No Cop Talk this week

November 22, 2006 | Karin's Blog | 16 comments

A little birdie told me Officer Friendly isn’t feeling well, so pray for his wife ‘er for him to get better soon.

So, I’m going to take his spot today.
I spoke a couple of months ago over at Murdershewrites about what my message was. In that, what would I talk about if I were to given the chance to speak on television or radio? Because quite frankly, those venues are not interested in your book, they are interested in your message. So for me, it was easy. Boiled down, my message is empowering women.
My heroines are ladies who do not need rescuing. They are the rescuers. My heroes are along for the ride.

So this past weekend, as you all know my dear friend Josie Brown and I hit the greater LA area—hard—they are still reeling. 🙂 The impetus was an invitation I received from a wonderful lady who heads up a readers group at the Burbank BN to come down and speak to her group. Their topic for the November meeting was strong heroines. How could I say no? I asked Josie if she’d drive down with me, she said, hell yes, and then I thought, hmm, maybe the readers group would like to hear Josie chat as well. And so they graciously extended an invitation to her.

So off we go and without going into detail about the stock signings and the wonderful booksellers we met along the way, the true reason for this trip presented itself after the reader’s group meeting.

During the Q&A part of the presentation, I asked one of the gals who had asked me a question regarding crit partners if she also wrote. She said she did. After the Q&A she came up to the table for me to sign a book. We began to chat about crit partners, what line she was targeting and just the state of her writing in general. I could tell something was bothering her. She did open up a little and tell me that the group of writers who had looked at her work all had different things to say, and some of them were less than nice about it. I explained that taking criticism was hard for some, but she needed to grow a thick skin. Not to take it personally, that to grow, one had to be honest about their work, and take crits with a grain of salt. Still I felt something deeper was going on beneath this wonderful lady’s smile. Our conversation ended while I signed another book and chatted with that reader. A former exotic dancer no less!

After an enlightening conversation with the former exotic dancer, my conversation resumed with the other gal, and she shared a few heartfelt thoughts with me. I listened. Then it dawned on me. This writer was trying to force herself into a hole she didn’t fit into. A square peg if you will into a tiny circle. It wasn’t working. She was frustrated and the ladies critting her story continued to try to bend her work into something it wasn’t, in essence forcing her to fit their tight little circle, some doing it quite nastily.
When I asked, “Why are your trying to fit where you don’t belong?” She teared up, and said, “I don’t know.” She truly did not know, but as she said the words, it dawned on her she didn’t have to fit with them or the line she was killing herself writing. Well, I got a bit emotional too. I could see how hurt she was, how frustrated and how much she loved to write but felt inadequate because of what these ladies had put her through. I told her she needed to immediately separate herself from all of that negative energy. That it sounded like some of these ladies were insecure and had their own issues, and that negative energy bred more negative energy. I also told her she needed to cast her writing net further, to write what came naturally to not pigeon hole herself because someone else told her to. I told her she must be true to herself first.

While this may not sound like a big deal to most, it was an epiphany for her, and for me.

I realized at that moment my purpose on this earth wasn’t to write books. My books are only the instrument to get me in touch with people. And to being touched by them. We hugged, and she promised to keep in touch. I felt euphoric. I felt like I made a difference in a person’s life.

It also got me to thinking about all the nasty bitches out there in the real world as well as the cyber world. It made me think of this bullshit with OJ Simpson. Why do people swarm then feed off other people’s pain? What gives? Are so many people so miserable themselves they feel the need to hurt others? And how many do it under the guise of, I’m only telling the truth. Funny, while the truth can and does hurt, it doesn’t have to send a person to the hospital.

Has our society become so mean, so insecure, so vicious we hurt others for the sheer joy of drawing an audience? Shame on all of you who instigate it, and those of you who fan the flames.

Perhaps there is hope. I believe humanity took a giant step forward when News Corp. decided against publishing and airing the If I Did It interview and book.
Thank you!

I feel my purpose is to in the form of workshops and speeches open the eyes of those who have for whatever reason been the brunt of negative entities, who have stalled because of it, show them how to clear it, then guide them to a cleaner more positive life. Kind of like emotional fung shui.

Just thinking of how and what will go into a workshop is daunting, especially with my writing schedule, but I will persevere.

So, as most of us have at one time in our lives been the target of some undeserving nasty arrows, how do you manage your way through it? Or do you? I find that many people tend to hold on tightly to it, to believe it. Why?




  1. Amanda

    Unfortunately, we want to believe people. Whether what they say is good or bad. Especially women have trouble accepting the good comments. We need to learn to absorb the positive and shake off, like a duck, the negative.

    Glad the speaking went so well.

  2. Kristi

    To quote Pretty Woman, the bad stuff is easier to believe.
    Seriously, I think a lot of it goes back to childhood – if you are encouraged from the beginning to make your own way you’ll be better able to take criticism and use it to help. If you’re slapped down for trying something your own way – you’re more apt to take every word – especially the hurtful – to heart…to let things grow and fester until you don’t know which way is up.

  3. J. Carson Black

    It could also be that a lot of artistic people may be more sensitive – in an incredibly insensitive business. I know I share this in common with a lot of other writers: you can get twenty great reviews – raves! – and the nasty one gets under your skin. A logical person looks at 20 over here, and 1 over there, and says, hmmmm, pretty good. And yet so many of us are still preoccupied by the bad stuff.

    I am so happy you got to the bottom of what was bothering the dancer/writer. These days there’s a lot of pigeonholing going on in the genres, and the trends are so popular that they’ve become units. I know I’ve heard some people say, “write a Harlequin romance – something easy to get your feet wet”, when the person really wants to write something else. No type of book is easy; might as well write the kind you’re suited for and you love to write.

  4. Edie Ramer

    It’s so hard being a writer, because we get rejections. People who read our work sometimes have a different vision than we do. I know I don’t love every bestselling book I’ve read (or tried to). Dan Brown was lucky he didn’t ask me for a critique for The DaVinci Code.:lol:

    We have to believe in ourselves more than we believe the hurtful words. Even more, we have to love writing that we just cannot stop, no matter how depressed we get.

    You can tell I’m speaking for myself, lol.

    Anyway, how fabulous to have found your terrific purpose, Karin. This would be a great workshop.

  5. Liz Kreger

    Good post, Karin. Sounds like your trip to LA was successful in more than one way. Hopefully the woman you spoke with will find her way to a group that will allow her to be herself.

    That would be an interesting workshop. I know I’d attend. LOL.

  6. Karin

    Kristi, conditioning is key, what would you do or recommend to someone who has been hammered all their life?

    Jake, this business is a set up for therapy. I think there needs to be a warning in every contract. This business will kill you if you let it. But how do you cope with the malecolents out there who’s sole purpose is to inflinct pain? How can you take them seriously? What do you do to combat it if anything at all?

  7. Karin

    Edie, you have fabulous balance. You remind me of the Energizer Bunny, you just keep going and going, more people need to look at you as a role model.

  8. raine

    I’m with Kristi. A lot of it goes back to childhood, to the way we were raised. So many people grow up around negativity, not believing in themselves, etc. We hear the words “no”, and “you can’t do that” far more than we hear “I love you”, or even “you can accomplish whatever you want”.
    And even if you find yourself with a group of friends or people who support you positively, you’ve got to find that faith in YOURSELF and who you are, what you are, and what you want.

    All of this is easy to say, of course, lol.
    But thanks for helping that woman, Karin. I really felt for her.

  9. Karin

    Raine, what do you do to find the faith?

  10. J. Carson Black

    Karin, the best thing to do is stick your fingers in your ears and go “lalalalalalalalalala!” Works every time. 🙂

  11. Kristi

    I think it’s different for everyone. For me, it started with my husband – he believed I had the talent to do…and the little voice inside me that always said I had talent got a little louder. Surrounding yourself with true friends – not just Yes People – I think is key. Those people help you find the balance between the good and the bad.

    I like affirmations, too. It’s hard to be down on yourself when you have encouragement staring you in the face!

  12. raine

    Raine, what do you do to find the faith?

    That’s a good question, ack!

    And I’m hardly the one to answer it, since I’ve been rather lacking it myself lately…

    But I know you can only get so much from friends and support groups–and you can only depend on that so much, since they’ll often try to spare your feelings, rather than give you the honest feedback you need.

    I’m not sure what the answer is. I know you have to know that you want it, be tough enough to go after it, and you have to like what you’re writing yourself.

    Or yeah, maybe stick your fingers in your ears and ignore the hell outta everybody, lol!! 🙂

  13. Karin

    Jake, I use the sticking the fingers in the ear routine with my kids all of the time. Drives them crazy!!!

    Raine, you are right, it must always come from within. Sometimes we don’t have the courage to ask ourselves the tough questions or it may be we are just to close to a certain situation to see it for what it is. Like I asked the gal last weekend. “Why are trying to fit where you don’t belong?” It occured to her that she didn’t want to fit there. With that realization it was like the handcuffs came off. I’m hoping with my workshop, which btw, I have no idea how I will present it, to open a few mental doors. Sometimes the answer is so close we can’t see it.

  14. Karin

    Kristi, your hubby sounds like a sweetie. But what if he had told you , you suck and you are wasting your time? Would you really have stopped?
    Surrounding yourself with positive people is critical.
    And I love affermations!

  15. Kristi

    If he’d told me I sucked and should quit…I would have been really hurt, but I don’t think I would have stopped writing. There has always been something inside of me that knew I had talent…and knowing he thought I couldn’t do would’ve made me bullheaded enough to keep going just to show him. 🙂

  16. Karin

    I knew it, Kristi!! Good for you. Admittedly it would be harder without the support but with so many things we must forge onward. To thine own self be true.

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